Remembrance
by Cerih
Summary: Takes place after the Christmas Invasion. Spoilers for season 1 of the new Doctor Who. Rose Tyler remembers.


Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or any of the characters. Must try harder...

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Remembrance

It was early hours of Boxing Day and the city of London slept. The ash from the exploded spaceship continued to fall and it enveloped the city in a blanket of hushed calm. A lone figure walked through the deserted streets unseen by the Londoners, who had succumbed to exhaustion after their encounter with the Sycorax. Rose Tyler headed away from her home in the Powell Estate, towards a nearby cemetery. Some of the graves had candles burning by them, but most of them had been burned out or suffocated by the ash hours earlier.

In one corner of the cemetery was a wooded area, surrounded by a low stone wall. It was a memorial grove, dedicated for those who had been cremated, buried elsewhere, or who were simply lost. It was there that Rose headed. Once there, she lay down on a marble bench the items she had brought; two candles, two white roses and a neon green lighter borrowed from Mickey. It was fortunate really that Jackie's "friend" had brought her a bouquet of flowers as a Christmas present, for Rose had been able to take two of the white roses from it after her mother had gone to sleep. Jackie also kept a few grave candles in the house for when she visited Pete's grave, situated on the same cemetery as Rose was now visiting.

Rose carefully lit the candles and then pressed the lids back on, shielding the candles from the ash while allowing oxygen in to feed the flames. She placed the candles on the marble, some inches apart, and added a rose next to each of them. She then took a step back to inspect her makeshift memorial and sighed as she allowed the memories to come.

She remembered the first time the Doctor took her hand. His grip was firm yet gentle, and his larger hand enveloped hers perfectly. Even then, while they were chasing the Nestene Consciousness through streets of London, she had experienced a flutter deep inside her that she felt whenever she and the Doctor touched. Since their first adventure together, she was always hoping that he would find a reason to take her hand.

Rose remembered how he brought her back to her time after they had seen the end of the Earth. They had stood in the crowd and he had quietly told her about his planet and his people. The Doctor had looked so vulnerable when he asked if she wanted to go home. She had not been able to answer him straight away, even though the answer was so obvious. Instead they went and had chips, their first "date". It had felt so good, so normal, even if he did not do domestic.

She remembered being nervous when she had put on the dress for 1860s and done up her hair. She had dithered a long while in front of the mirror, for some reason afraid to show herself to the Doctor. When she finally summoned the courage to return to the control room, it seemed to her that he stared at her for a long while in silence. He told her she looked beautiful and she saw it reflected in his eyes. For a moment she thought she saw something else there, deep in his soulful eyes. It may have been loneliness or perhaps yearning. It made her shiver and a part of her wished he would look at her like that more often.

She had been so proud when he gave her the TARDIS key. The moment itself had not been special. He was impatient and felt trapped in the small flat with all the humans, and she was feeling insecure. He had given her the key to make her feel better and he probably did not realise how much the gesture meant to her. She tried not to over interpret the situation, but she could not completely stop the giddy feeling in her. It had to mean something, right? If only she could figure out exactly what.

"What use are emotions? If you will not save the woman you love?" When the Dalek said it, Rose was too terrified of dying to really take its words in. But later, when she was lying awake on her bed inside the TARDIS, she thought of the Dalek's words. Did the Doctor really love her? If he did, was it love for a friend, or something more? By then Rose already knew she loved the Doctor but she could not imagine telling him. They were mates and it could all become so very awkward. Still, her heart skipped a beat every time she imagined telling the Doctor how much she loved him.

Rose remembered that the Doctor called her 'the best' and her heart swelled with pride. That was after they had dropped Adam off at his home and she was feeling rather embarrassed about the whole situation. Adam had been rather cute, but Rose had quickly realised that he did not compare to the Doctor. Besides, the Doctor calling Adam her boyfriend made her feel uncomfortable, like she was somehow cheating him, even if he did not seem to mind.

She remembers what it was like to lose the Doctor to the Reaper. The moment he was gone, it was as if her heart had been ripped right out of her chest. She could not breathe, she could not think. She had been placed in front of an impossible choice, her father or the Doctor. But it seemed she would have to lose both of them. Only, the Doctor came back to her when her father lay on the road dying. Her grief was mingled with relief, which made her feel so very guilty. But how was she supposed to ever live without her Doctor?

Then she met Captain Jack Harkness. She felt the mutual attraction from the moment he first caught her. Then there was the incident with the psychic paper, then the one with the champagne and the dancing. Rose had been so ready to slip her fingers into Jack's hair and inch close enough for him to kiss her. When he was whispering to her ear about Time Agents and Chula warships, she could feel his body pressed against hers and she had to admit she rather liked it. There was still a hint of guilt when she thought of the Doctor, but somehow the dazzling captain managed to keep her mind away from her companion.

Rose swore the Doctor was jealous of the attention and trust she was giving Jack. But when they were trapped in the storeroom, the Doctor was nervous for a completely different reason. She asked him to dance. He hesitated. She finally managed to get him to come to her, but even then he merely looked at her hands instead of dancing. They argued and without realising, were teleported to Jack's ship. Rose could have sworn that for a brief moment the Doctor was just as annoyed about being rescued as she was. Especially since it felt to her like they were finally approaching a subject they had consciously avoided in the past, and perhaps it was time to admit certain feelings and thoughts to one another. But real life intervened, as always.

When Jack's ship was destroyed and he joined her and the Doctor, Rose thought everything was perfect. The three of them were so good together and the TARDIS was filled with the sound of their laughter. Soon Rose was not in love with just the Doctor, but Jack as well. It was not love the required choosing, but rather one that was all about sharing, a principle Jack seemed to embrace as he showed equal amounts of affection to both of his companions. As she watched the two men shamelessly flirting with one another, Rose could not help hoping that this was what the rest of her life would be like.

By the time they stopped to refuel in Cardiff, the three of them were finishing one another's sentences. It was a little awkward seeing Mickey again, but somehow in Rose's mind, it only reaffirmed how well she, Jack and the Doctor fitted together. Be it about dancing or about catching a rogue Slitheen, they made an excellent team. Rose never did get to say goodbye to Mickey, but she knew it was better that way. There was no place for him in her heart now and perhaps it was time he moved on as well. At least that was what she kept repeating to herself. The thing about being with Jack and the Doctor was that the rest of the world got forgotten so very easily and so, predictably, her guilt only lasted for short while.

Later on, Rose could only remember snippets of what had happened in the Game Station. Perhaps the transporter beam that took her to the Dalek ship had messed with her head, but her encounter with the Anne Droid was sketchy at best. Once she had absorbed the Time Vortex, things were even hazier. But afterwards, she did remember the three kisses. First Jack had kissed her. It had been too quick for her liking, but in it she tasted a promise of new possibilities in the future. Then he turned to the Doctor and kissed him. As she watched them share the brief kiss, she felt a shiver run down her spine. She loved Jack enough to share everything with him, even her precious Doctor.

Then there was the final kiss, when the Doctor had saved her from being burned by the Time Vortex. He had been so gentle and his lips on hers made something click as if the final piece of the puzzle had found its place. Finally they were as they should be, not just friends but also lovers. As Rose felt the darkness looming over her consciousness, her final thought was that she wanted to stay forever in the arms of her Doctor.

Just as quickly has it had started, her happiness had turned to dust. Jack was dead, left behind at the Game Station when the Doctor had taken her away. In flight, her Doctor too had died. Oh, the Time Lord still lived, but the Doctor she had fallen in love with was gone, replaced by someone new. When she had looked at the new Doctor, seen a familiar wide grin but also his haunted eyes, she knew she would love this new man. But he was not her Doctor, not yet and perhaps not ever. Thus she was standing at the cemetery, grieving those she had loved and lost.

The Doctor found her there, lost deep in her thoughts. He paused some distance away, giving her space, but she seemed to sense his presence and looked over her shoulder at him.

"There you are." His tone belied the same hesitation that was evident in his eyes.

"Sorry I disappeared, there was something I needed to do." She shuffled her feet awkwardly and glanced back at the candles and roses.

"The TARDIS is prepared, so… Whenever you are ready." He looked at her, seemingly avoiding looking at the little memorial she had created.

"I think I'm ready now." She glanced at the candles one last time and let out a little sigh.

She walked up to the Doctor, who offered her his regenerated hand. She took it hesitantly, still slightly freaked out by the newly-grown hand. They walked through the cemetery and out into the street in silence, neither mentioning why she had been at the cemetery in the first place. She because she did not want to hurt his feelings, and him because he had a feeling he knew whom she was grieving and it broke his heart just a little.

Back at the cemetery, the roses were covered in a fine layer of ash and the candles, like Rose's love, remained shining in the darkness.


End file.
